How do we agree on how we work together?
There are a lot of things on your plate when you decide to change things and move from individual contributor to people manager. Out of all these aspects, one thing makes or breaks the leader: having clear rules. During the last 20 years of corporate life, I have observed something very interesting when it comes to high-performing teams: they all have clear, structured, well-understood rules and norms.
When I was starting out, I saw how the variety of rules across multiple teams in my department (customer service) could impact performance and engagement levels. Some leaders had a very relaxed attitude and preferred a laid-back position, letting their teams naturally establish rules and norms. Some had very tight and strict rules that everyone had to follow to the letter. Others carried a mix between these two depending on the month. Truth be told, looking back at them through the lens of experience, I don’t think any of them had the right mix.
So, if this topic is not as simple as it seems, how should a first-time manager establish proper team norms and ground rules that will actually help and not break the team?
To establish team norms that actually stick without breaking morale, start by auditing your process bottlenecks and personal friction points. Skip the top-down dictatorship – instead, run a collaborative workshop where the team defines specific, actionable rules for communication, meetings, and accountability. Document them clearly, lead by example by following them yourself, and continuously adjust as your team evolves.
In this article:
- The dark side of unspoken rules: Unwritten assumptions around urgency and communication create chaos, customer incorrect prioritization, and team confusion.
- Walking on eggshells and the hidden cost: Ambiguity and fear of conflict burn out top performers, drag out execution, and foster a reactive “let it burn” mindset.
- How to map reality and expectations: Auditing process friction and addressing individual bad habits helps separate operational issues from personal habits before setting rules.
- The Workshop: Building rules democratically through structured team workshops ensures buy-in and creates clear, actionable ground rules.
- Publication and follow-up: Documenting norms in accessible formats, modeling the behavior as a leader, and regularly updating rules keeps them relevant and effective.
The dark side of unspoken rules
We all know about them, and we have all experienced this phenomenon – yet many of us still struggle with the concept and how to tackle it. When we think of unspoken rules, we picture all the unwritten understandings that people create inside the team without the lead stepping in. Examples include what to do with specific exceptional tasks, how to manage certain stakeholders, which procedures to look up, where to go when you need specific information, how to treat a certain email from the boss, or how to react in specific scenarios.
In the absence of clear instructions or clarification, many people will just assume what “urgent,” “timely,” or “good communication” means. For this exact reason, the lack of proper norms and rules brings negative effects. When people start assuming what “urgent” means, things get chaotic because not everyone shares the exact same understanding of the concept, leading to bad side effects.
Let’s assume a situation where a very important client (one of the top 10 revenue generators in your department) asks for a simple task, yet fulfilling it requires the effort of one person for at least a full day. At the same time, your queues are flooded with requests from customers – some business-critical, some legal, some financial, and so on. When people don’t understand what “urgent” means, you might end up prioritizing this “special” customer, even if you have other, more pressing matters to attend to. I have seen this happen many times, especially with experienced team members who have a special bond with that customer: they prefer to treat them like royalty at the expense of others.
Another layer to this issue involves communication: how and when it happens. I see this all the time, especially during and after the pandemic. Leaders start typing on Teams, Slack, or whatever internal communication chat they use, giving out either very late instructions or vague deadlines – and in the worst-case scenario, late-night messages with unclear deadlines. Of course, this can also happen via email, but in my experience, it happens more on chat than on email. When we do this, the message we are trying to convey no longer follows the basic rule of communication: mutual understanding of said message.
If I say to you at 9 PM, “take care of customer X as soon as you can,” what exactly will you understand from it? Should you do it right now, maybe in a few days, or should you just pin it and handle it when you no longer have multiple, more (perceived) urgent requests to deal with?
A very common mistake for new managers is confusing smooth alignment with open conflict. Most new joiners try to avoid any potential conflict with the team, fearing negative side effects. We must always remember that “conflict” is a heavy word and should not be applied to every situation; heated discussions do not necessarily fall into this category. It is always better to have clear and universally understood alignment (even at the risk of some friction) than to have unclear rules about what needs to be done.
Walking on eggshells and the hidden cost
Ever noticed how some leaders tend to be overly cautious about how they approach things? It’s like walking on eggshells, fearing that if they step on one, something terrible will happen. The truth is, even if you do break an eggshell, what harm can it really do?
Ambiguity is one of the biggest issues in this regard. Many managers, especially less experienced ones, tend to be vague when dealing with availability or response times. Because of this, team members – especially top performers – burn out. I understand why leaders might be vague at the start or hesitant to step in: lack of immediate response, misunderstanding the other person’s perspective on what is urgent, or trying to encourage independence and critical thinking. Regardless of the reason, remember that everything has a specific time and place. Not every single minute on the job needs to be a learning experience for your team (despite what social media posts tell you).
Another point to keep in mind regarding walking on eggshells is that it creates an environment for second-guessing decisions and failing to meet expectations. When this happens, execution is dragged out and work stalls. This cause-and-effect loop is fueled by a lack of clear direction – meaning the absence of clear norms or rules inside the team. In the end, you cannot expect people to follow expectations if there are no explicit rules; it is, after all, a matter of confidence.
Finally, a bad habit we see from time to time is the mindset of “let it burn, and then we will fix it.” Many assume that only after a major incident or communication breakdown should they set up clear boundaries and clarify roles and timelines. This is the exact opposite of what you should do. Waiting for something bad to happen creates far more chaos, stress, pressure, and agitation than establishing clarity from the start.
How to map reality and expectations
On the road to proper norms and rules, a good leader must first address two factors that breed chaos: reality and expectations.
Start with a quick audit of the team’s top friction points (chat channels, emails, outdated procedures, hand-offs, etc.). Look at what is causing the most noise, back-and-forth, or discord in your team. The better you understand these points, the faster you can resolve them. You can do this in multiple ways, but here are the steps I usually follow:
- Do a quick scan of the process, ideally by going over your process map.
- Identify any areas with excessive hand-offs or potential friction resulting from checks, approvals, or bottlenecks.
- Check in with your team members to learn what each person perceives as friction and where the main blocks occur. Don’t try to offer fixes right away; just listen and take notes.
- As much as possible, quantify how much time people spend on these friction points and identify any secondary side effects.
Now that you have a clearer view from a process standpoint, look at the personal perspective. Friction is not always caused by process-related issues; sometimes it stems from personal habits. This is where you, as the leader, must step in and make a clear assessment. Certain tasks may be stalled simply because an individual decided to handle them a certain way. Each time you notice a personal habit creating friction, assess it and address it. We all want things to go 100% our way all the time, but leadership doesn’t work like that, and it’s your job to help people understand this. We cannot sacrifice team productivity for individual preference.
As you finalize these items for your team’s playbook, remember that it is better to have a set of universally agreed-upon practices instead of a top-down “these are the rules, you all must obey” approach. When leaders enforce rules rigidly, they leave no room for individual understanding of why those rules exist, causing people to follow instructions blindly. You want critical thinking and genuine understanding. The best way to achieve this is through team workshops where you sit down with everyone to discuss and agree on proper rules and team norms. Think of it less as a dictatorship and more as a democracy.
The Workshop
This will not be an easy task to accomplish, I promise you! Whenever you discuss rules and working methods, discussions can get intense. For this reason, your job as the leader is to facilitate and keep the session productive and on track.
Start with a structured outline and keep people focused on the core pillars you need to establish: communication, meetings, feedback, and accountability. Ensure everyone has a voice, and watch out for extroverts who may try to monopolize the conversation. Your goal is to gather input from as many people as possible; once the team agrees on decisions together, individuals are far less likely to object to them later.
Draft clear and actionable statements (e.g., “no meetings on Friday afternoon,” “urgent matters require a phone call, not a chat,” “Priority 1 means handle immediately”). Avoid general statements that carry no clear meaning. The more specific you are, the better. Review these statements thoroughly before adopting them. If things remain unclear for some team members, hold a follow-up session to re-evaluate.
Along with clear statements, document key point people, timelines, working hours, and any contextual information that clarifies the rule or norm.
Once you have a final draft, review your written communication. Before sending it out, read it carefully to make sure it makes sense. I prefer sending a copy to someone outside my team to check if an independent reader understands the points. External reviews help ensure clarity across different perspectives.
Publication and follow-up
There are many ways to publish your team norms, depending on your preference: a Word document, PDF, Excel sheet, shared folder, or pinned message.
Here is how I structure these formats – feel free to use whatever works best for you:
- Word: Best for documenting specific, clear procedures (mostly process-related items outside standard SOPs). Examples include how to request an approval, how to check a ticket status, or how to access a specific report.
- PDF: Ideal for instructions that benefit from visual design (process maps, schematics, blueprints, posters, or summary sheets). I usually create these in PowerPoint and export them as PDFs.
- Excel: Perfect for structured data (link repositories, tool indexes, formulas, or data tables).
- Shared Folder: Great for quick access, allowing you to centralize documents so the team always has live access to current versions.
- Email: Useful for team-wide announcements and updates. Since everyone uses email daily, it provides an easily searchable record for future reference.
Consider the old saying, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Applied to leadership (without the guilt or punishment), a leader must be the primary role model for the team. You cannot tell people not to be late for work while you walk in 30 minutes late. If your team agrees on a rule, lead by example and follow it. The moment you break your own rules is the moment you lose credibility.
Finally, remember: no rule is set in stone forever. Rules require constant updates and review to remain relevant and effective. Periodically check whether adjustments are needed. You don’t need to rerun the entire workshop every time – just conduct quick check-ins, review the overall process, and ask for team input to address any new bottlenecks before they cause friction.
Until next time, stay safe, happy, and healthy!