What do I do when I feel overwhelmed, angry, or stressed?
Here’s a question for you: how do you react when you feel overwhelmed, angry, or stressed out? For many of us, reacting to different situations can be a very interesting (to say the least) experience. It’s even more interesting when you are in a position to lead other people; then things get a twist.
For most of my experience in the corporate world, I had to deal with very bad reactions from leaders. On some of these occasions, I was the leader, and while today I’m more equipped and prepared to manage different scenarios, this was not always the case. For most of us, reacting is gradually learned by trial and error: the more time you have, the more exposure you have, the better the reaction goes (well, most of the time anyway). Unfortunately, for the people manager, reacting has a very big impact – both on team and personal development. The worse you are at it, the worse it gets (we call this positive correlation: when one value goes up, so does the other one).
But why am I separating people managers from other people? I do this because the nature of their job gives them a very unique opportunity, one that can influence many people at once. It’s easy for an individual contributor to have a bad day: they come to work, they do the job, and leave. There’s no pressure to talk in a specific way, and there are no people for whom you are responsible. It’s not the same for leaders: they come in and, from the moment the workday starts, they have an entire team looking over them and vice versa.
Today I want to talk about this topic a bit more and give you – the one just starting out – a place you can look at and have at least a basic and realistic idea of how to react.
- When you freak out, so does your team
- The micro-pause before reaction
- Compartmentalize
- Composure
When you freak out, so does your team
Maybe this goes by default, but based on my experience and what I saw across 20 years of work, some leaders are very, very bad at reactions. They tend to give in to their inner demon voice and just freak out each time something bad happens.
You CAN’T DO THAT!
Each time you go crazy and no longer control yourself, your entire team will hop on the same boat as you. The first thing they will see when you have an episode is your face and tone. I know you say, “No they won’t, I can hide it.” You can’t, trust me. You work with them 8 hours a day; they know you, they know how you react, and by observing you across time they have mastered aspects you don’t even think about: tone of voice, facial expressions, body movements, etc.
Panic is something that tends to spread very fast; this is why every country in this world always says “in case of X, don’t panic.” Let’s say you have a very bad day and your boss tells you 2 of your people must be let go. If the first thing you do is go out there and freak out, the only thing you will achieve is to freak them out too. This will cause mass panic: people will be less focused on work and more on what happens next; some might even start doing things you’ve never thought about, looking for other jobs or being less productive. Who really knows all the things that could happen? This is also valid for individual panic (maybe it’s something in your personal life): if they see you panicking, they will assume it’s something work-related and start to imagine things.
While not very fair, because you are the boss now, people look up to you as a sign of strength – the emotional thermostat, if you will. I know you didn’t ask for it, but it is part of the job. As a leader, your job is to calm the waters, to make sure the team is always focused on the job, and to be there for them regardless of what is happening.
The micro-pause before reaction
This has saved me on so many occasions, you can’t imagine. I am a very reactive type of person, an extrovert if you will. I tend to be very expressive, and because of this, things are not always in my favor. You can read more about the age-old dilemma in this article: Leadership Style: Should I Change Who I Am?
When I need to react to something, the first thing that pops into my brain is usually not the correct thing to do. Because of my personality, I tend to be very volcanic, for lack of a better word. If I just start exploding, nothing good will happen. So, I learned another way: the micro-pause strategy.
It goes like this: before any impulse you have, before any email, action, etc., take at least a 5-minute break. By doing this, you allow your mind to really look at the situation, analyze it, and form a proper response. If you don’t have 5 minutes, then take a 10-second break and really think. This last part is something best kept for meetings, when you have the other person (or people) with you and they are expecting an answer. Giving yourself 10 seconds will allow you a bit of time to formulate a better reaction.
Gut feeling over logic is another part of this. I was telling you guys in the first articles that sometimes we get the “gut feeling,” that inner voice that tells you something is good or bad.
Sadly, this can work in other ways, this being a good example. Reacting solely on feeling is not the smart thing to do. Logic will always trump it, because when you look at something objectively and use logic to deduce what is the best possible reaction, things get less complicated and easier. Feeling is based on passion and personal perception, but a good leader will make decisions based on logic. Gut-feeling decision-making is one of the reasons some of our bosses make our lives a living hell: it’s purely subjective, lacks evidence, and is very biased.
There’s also a trick to this pause: while you see it as an eternity, your team might look at it as a calm, authoritative response (“He’s analyzing it,” “He is thinking about the best answer before letting feelings step in,” etc.). It’s not always like that, of course, but it can be a contributing factor.
I had a boss many years ago who told me this: when stuff is bad and you feel like yelling, think about it 5 times and then see if you still think yelling is a good thing to do.
Compartmentalize
Another thing you can do when dealing with different situations is to compartmentalize. This means putting the things you can’t control and/or think about right now in a special place. Let me tell you what I normally do; maybe this helps:
- People you can’t connect with or who just don’t understand you: It happens from time to time that I meet a person and they are either not interested or just not able to understand me from the start, no matter how clearly I explain things. To not react badly, I created this special box in my mind, and if I believe them to be this type of person, I add them to the box. Doing this allows me the mental break I need to step back and think, “Ah, wait, they are in the box, so I need to completely change the way I am talking to them.”
- Someone is targeting my team: I tend to be a very protective leader (yes, I know it’s not always the best solution), but no one is perfect. In any case, when this happens, I pull myself back from the entire situation and take at least 1 hour to react. If it can wait for the next day, it’s even better. In this time, I look at the picture as objectively as I can and try to think about all the actions and reactions, about the evidence, and about the “what ifs”: if I do this, what will happen next?
- Corporate “angry” emails: You know them by now; no need to explain more. When I need to write one, I do this: write it up, put all my anger in it, save it, and leave it for the next day. I don’t send it; I just leave it there and re-check it the next day. By the time I get to it, I usually take half of it down and/or rewrite it.
- Very new, unique, or very bad situations: These ones do not happen as often, but when they do, they usually have a severe impact. Because of this, I have “trained” myself to never answer them on the same day (unless it’s something critical and, even then I take extra time to process). I always answer them the next day.
Composure
This one is about getting a grip. It’s not a fake-out reaction or pretending nothing actually happened; it’s about showing other people how YOU deal with messy things. They look up to the leader, and they expect said leader to act with some decorum, in control, and able to deal with anything that comes.
If you find yourself closer to my style – reacting to things because, let’s face it, it’s the extrovert way – maybe this might help you: when you feel something is about to take control over you and might cause you to react very badly, just stick to the observable facts and only take next steps based on those observations. Don’t add anything that is not there, just the pure facts. If you might be cornered into a situation, you can formulate an answer based on this as well, something like: “Looking at the observable facts, or at the situation as it is in this moment, this is what I would do.” And whenever you are not sure, always remember: “Let me check and get back to you.”
While some might say this is a no-no, I share it here because this is something I believe people need: a peer or mentor that can help you vent. It’s not just about the venting itself; it’s about finding a person that can either help you deal with this specific situation while hearing you vent, or help you realize a solution. Or just someone that is there for you and will listen.
All in all, dealing with feelings when you are the boss is a different game altogether: you are no longer “allowed” to react as before. You must plan your next moves, be careful with tone and expressions, be strong, be there, and be the support that people want. I said it at the start, and I will say it many more times: leadership is a long, hard, and complicated road with a lot of rewards at the end for the ones that have the strength, patience, and desire.
Until the next article, stay healthy, happy, and safe!